Managing Grief During the Holiday Season: From One Griever to Another

Introduction

The holiday season is often described as the "most wonderful time of the year," filled with joy, laughter, and togetherness. But for those of us carrying the weight of grief, it can feel like a painful reminder of what we've lost.

As a fellow griever, I know firsthand how challenging this time can be. Holidays magnify our loved one's absence, disrupt our routines, and bring many emotions we may not feel prepared to face. If you're navigating this season while grieving, I want you to know you're not alone. In this post, I'll share reflections, practical tips, and ways to honour both your grief and the memory of your loved one and cope with loss in the festive season.

Why the Holidays Feel So Hard

Holidays are steeped in traditions, rituals, and memories. They often centre around family, connection, and celebration—all of which may feel like a glaring void after losing someone we love.

• The Absence of a Loved One: Whether it's their empty chair at the dinner table, their favourite holiday song, or the way they lit up the room, their absence is impossible to ignore.

• Social Expectations: The world seems to demand cheerfulness and celebration. But grief doesn't align with holiday schedules, and pretending to be "fine" can feel exhausting and isolating.

• Triggers Everywhere: From festive decorations to holiday cards and social media highlights, reminders of what we've lost seem unavoidable.

These emotional challenges can overwhelm the season, but understanding them is the first step toward managing them with compassion and care.

Permission to Feel

Grieving during the holidays can bring a whirlwind of emotions—sadness, anger, longing, even guilt if moments of joy creep in. One of the most important things you can do for yourself when surviving the holidays after a loss is to allow these feelings to exist without judgment.

Grief doesn't have a schedule, and it's not linear. You might cry during a holiday movie or laugh at a cherished memory. Both are valid, and neither diminishes the other. Permitting yourself to feel is an act of self-compassion, reminding yourself that there's no "right" way to grieve.

Planning Ahead

Grief's unpredictability can make the holidays seem daunting, but a little preparation can help you navigate this season more easily.

• Decide What Feels Manageable: Reflect on which traditions you want to keep, change, or skip altogether. It's OK to say no to activities or gatherings that feel too difficult.

• Communicate Your Needs: Let family and friends know what you're comfortable with this year. Be honest if you need flexibility or understanding.

• Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional energy by setting clear boundaries. This might mean limiting your time at events or stepping away for a moment when emotions become overwhelming.

• Have an Exit Strategy: If you're attending a gathering, plan to leave early if needed. Drive yourself or ask a trusted friend to be your "escape partner."

Planning doesn't eliminate the pain but can create a sense of control and permit you to approach the holidays on your terms.

Creating Space for Grief and Joy

Grief and joy often coexist during the holidays. While sorrow may feel all-encompassing, there may also be fleeting moments of comfort, laughter, or gratitude. Embracing these moments doesn't betray your grief; it's a testament to the love and life you shared with your loved one.

• Balance Traditions: Blend old traditions with new ones that reflect your emotional needs. For example, keep the tradition of baking your family's favourite sweet treat but invite a friend to join you. Our favourite tradition as a family was to make Rum and Raisin Truffles on Christmas Eve. And, from the age of 14 or 15, I would allow my boys a little tipple topped up with ginger ale. Their dad would come home on Christmas Eve, and they would be so proud to show him. I miss that tradition.

• Take It Moment by Moment: Rather than planning too far ahead, focus on what feels manageable today. Grief is unpredictable, and staying present can ease the pressure of expectations. If you have made plans and you wake up feeling griefy and not up to it, then be honest. True friends will understand.

• Find Joy in Small Things: A cup of hot chocolate in warm climes, a chilled glass of wine down under where I am from, a favourite holiday movie, or a quiet moment under the stars can bring comfort amidst the chaos.

Ways to Honor Your Loved One

Finding meaningful ways to honour your loved one's memory during the holidays can bring a sense of connection and purpose.

• Memory Traditions: Light a candle, set a place at the table, or hang an ornament in their honour.

• Share Stories: Encourage family and friends to share their favourite memories. These moments of connection can be healing and uplifting.

• Acts of Kindness: In their memory, perform acts of kindness, like donating to a cause they cared about, volunteering, or helping someone in need.

• Create a Memorial Space: Dedicate a corner of your home to photos, souvenirs of your life together, or a unique decoration that reminds you of them. We collected Christmas decorations when we travelled, so I get them out each year and reminisce about the places we went during those latter years.

• Take a Solo Trip: If, like me, your traditional Christmas with your partner involves travelling somewhere new each year, consider a solo trip. The idea can seem confronting and overwhelming, but I found it liberating.

Honouring their memory can make their presence feel woven into the season, even amidst the pain of their absence.

Holiday Self-care for Grieving Hearts

Grieving takes an enormous emotional and physical toll. Prioritising self-care during the holidays can help you navigate the season with more resilience.

• Listen to Your Needs: Listen to your emotions and energy levels. Rest when needed, and don't force yourself into situations that feel too much.

• Practice Mindfulness: Spend a few moments each day in quiet reflection or meditation. Focus on your breath, grounding yourself in the present moment.

• Lean on Your Support System: Whether it's friends, family, or a grief group, don't hesitate to ask for support. Sharing your feelings can lighten the emotional load.

• Find Comfort in Rituals: Establish small rituals that bring peace, like lighting a candle, journaling, or walking in nature.

Self-care isn't selfish; it's essential, especially during emotionally charged times.

Consider purchasing my Self-care Guide for yourself or as a gift to a grieving friend.

Special Considerations

Grief looks different for everyone, and specific circumstances can shape how you experience you grief and the holiday season.

• First Holiday Season: The first year after a loss often feels the hardest, filled with raw emotions and uncertainty. It's OK to approach it with caution and flexibility.

• Children and Family Dynamics: If you have children, their grief may differ. Please include them in discussions about traditions and be patient with shifting family dynamics.

• Solo Celebrations: If you're spending the holidays alone, create rituals that feel meaningful to you. Focus on self-care, reflection, and finding moments of peace.

• Support Systems: Lean on those who understand your grief, whether a therapist, support group or trusted friend.

A Message of Hope

Grief during the holidays is arduous, but you don't have to walk alone. Over time, the sharp edges of grief begin to soften, and the season may take on new meaning.

While the pain of loss never entirely disappears, moments of light, love, and connection will return to your life. Give yourself grace, honour your loved one in ways that feel right for you, and know you're stronger than you think. Finding hope after loss in the holidays is possible.

Resources for Support

If you're struggling with your emotional healing during festive times, here are some resources that may help supporting yourself through holiday grief:

• Grief Groups: Local or online groups like GriefShare can connect you with others who understand. Also, I find some private grievers' communities on Facebook Groups invaluable. As they are global, someone is always online if you feel alone and want to chat.

• Widowed and Rising

• My Husband in Heaven

• Books such as:

• "It's OK That You're Not OK" by Megan Devine and

• Sally Douglas and Imogen Carn - Good Mourning: Honest Conversations about Grief and Loss offer compassionate insights.

• Therapists: A professional counsellor can provide tools and support to navigate your grief.

• Community Services: Many local organisations offer holiday remembrance ceremonies or workshops for grievers.

From My Heart to Yours

I'll never forget the first holiday season after losing my partner. It felt impossible to face, but I found comfort in small, intentional steps. I was determined to implement strategies for managing grief in December in the future.

My grief was very raw as he died only four days before Christmas, so I spent it wrapped in the warmth and comfort of friends. It was winter and very cold, but I still found the energy to take my canine friend for a walk in the brisk cold air to clear my head. It was a solitary walk in familiar surroundings where I could cry, feel all my raw emotions without judgment, and think of him.

If you're grieving this season, please know it's OK to do things your way. There's no rulebook for navigating grief during the holidays. Take it moment by moment, lean on those who care about you, and remember: you are not alone.

I'm here if you want to share your experiences or need someone to listen. Together, we can find strength, hope, and a way to honour the continuing love. 💕